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Indiana Jones hates snakes.... on a plane.

2006-04-03T19:58:00.000-07:00

Seriously. Go watch the first scene from Raiders of the Lost Ark. The one where Indy's running from that giant boulder, and the natives, into the river and onto the plane. There's a snake, on the plane. Obviously Lucas used his "She's just lost her will to live" time machine to look into the future and totally rip off Snakes On A Plane's premise, added it to his movie, and sat back waiting to reap the rewards. Fucker.

There's been quite a bit of buzz online about this Snakes On A Plane movie coming out. Apparently Samuel L. Jackson signed onto the project without ever actually reading the script. He just took a look at the title and agreed to do it. Coincidentally this is also what happened with the three Star Wars prequels (because if anyone had actually read those, they would've had Lucas dragged out back of ILM and shot).

Also, according to IMDB.com, there was so much fan interest online that New Line decided to go back to do reshoots to bring the movie's PG-13 rating to an R rating. That struck me as odd. Exactly how many snakes do you have to add to a film for it to just tip over into the R rating zone? Is there some sort of mathmatical Snakes to Screentime ratio/equation that the MPAA has available? Does the rating go up for, say, every 100 snakes? Does it take more and more snakes to go up to the next rating, Some sort of exponential snakes rating system? G = 10 snakes, PG = 100 snakes, PG-13 = 1000 snakes, R = 10,000 snakes, and, god forbid, NC-17 = 100,000 snakes? I mean come on. For an R rating you'd need 10,000 snakes on that plane. Now that's some lax airport security. And I couldn't even get a nail clipper on.

But, as with all movies, we are force to suspend our disbeliefs somewhat to accept the world the movie presents to us. However, with lines like...

[from trailer]
Nelville Flynn: Enough is enough.
[cocks gun]
Nelville Flynn: I've had it with the snakes.

that, who can't be excited about Snakes On A Plane?

Out,
-The Danno

June?! What?! Where?!

2005-07-13T02:26:00.000-07:00

Holy HELL, my bad.

June kinda snuck up on me. Then it beat me with a two-by-four with a nail stuck in it and took my lunch money. June's a fucking punk. Now that I've sufficiently recovered enough to use my hands, I've decided to grace you all with an update. You can thank me later.

So, I've been continuing my deli kung fu training at the local Giant supermarket. My fellow kung fu-ites are an entertaining bunch, and it is a rewarding experience working beside them. However, as with every retail job I have ever held (aka, ALL the jobs I've held) one truth rises above all, "This job would be so much better without the fucking customers." Don't get me wrong, I wish no ill will toward most, most, of the customers that I serve every day. But, there are, sadly, a few who deserve to be shot into space in the "Earth's Most Retarded Individuals Not Fit For Reproduction" rocket, which I've heard is slated for firing at the end of the current Bush administration, hopefully with him on it. Too bad he's already been allowed to have kids. Oh well, we do what we can. But enough of that tangent. Back to the stupid customers. We have a number of different types of stupid "customers". These include, but are not limited to: the Apparent High School Dropout, who cannot read, and therefore use the order kiosk (which is there for people to place and order and come back to get it later) and demand their order be immediately given to them even though their ticket specifically says "Your Order Will Be Ready In 15 to 20 Minutes". Then they get all offended when we tell them to come back later. Hey, it's not my fault you can't read a simple sentence, dumbass. Next is the That One Right There! class. These sorts of customer seem to believe we, being Deli Kung-Fu trainees, have x-ray vision, and have the ability to SEE through the BACK of the case at what they're pointing at whilst spewing "That! That right there! Half a pound!". I'm sorry sir/ma'am, we don't sell "that" (props to Deli Kung-Fu-er Mark for that one). Our interaction with these customers usually culminates one of two ways. We either 1) clamber up over/walk around the counter to see what it is they are pointing at, or 2) ask them to please read the GOD DAMN TAG RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE MEAT/CHEESE OF THEIR CHOICE. Now we come to the Over-Orderers. These people usually weigh in at a, and im being conservative here, light 300 pounds. They thunder up to the counter and demand four to five POUNDS of deli meat/cheese. Now, I would be the last person to make fun of a person for being overweight, as I am myself, but god DAMN big'un, you don't need THAT much compressed, over-processed, strangly wriggling, deli ham. You just don't need it. It's BAD for you. Put the sandwich down. Finally we have the Meat Mathematicians/Penny Pinchers, who come up asking either for a specific ounce weight (though our scales are in pounds), which really isn't all that hard, but still annoying, or a amount of meat/cheese in dollars (such as "two dollars of ham"). Look Mr./Miss Customer. I'm not a damn math major. I cut meat for a part time job. At anywhere from 2.99 to 12.99 per pound this amount of meat/cheese could be anything. I cannot do math like that without the aid of my trusty TI-83, SO QUIT ASKING ME. It makes my head hurt. All in all, it's a nice job, good pay, and an interesting set of characters to suffer with, so rock that.

Next...

I am appalled, APPALLED, at the new United States 2005 issue buffalo nickel. "But why?", you might ask. "BUFFALO DONG!", I reply. On the new nickel, there is, plain as day, a buffalo dong hanging off the underside of the buffalo on the back. Mammalian PENI on our currency! What's next? Giant testicles on the eagles on our quarters?! (Yes I know birds don't have testicles, but seeing how the Bush administration is running things, ANYTHING is possible.) The maddness MUST, STOP!

The new US nickel, note the buffalo dong.

And finally, it being toward the middle of July (ha! I'm not letting THIS month steal my lunch money... those fuckers work in packs ya know) I shall be attending my first State College Arts Fest. Well... maybe attending is incorrect terminology. It's more like drinking myself stupid and passing out. Yeah, that'd be more correct. Ha. Some of you might not know what Arts Fest is. That's good. Neither do I. All I know of it is that it's a giant collecting of people getting drunk off their collective asses and pretending they know something collective about art, and probably pissing off the artists that have come to hock their wares by insulting their inherent collective frenchness. It's collective... apparently. Anywho, for me, it's just another excuse to get plastered and yell at people I don't know.

Until next time to the folks I don't like, go drink and drive home.

Everyone else..... meh.

-Danno

Oh ha ha

2005-05-27T02:01:00.000-07:00

Eric has made a rather un-humorous observation about my "comic" and how "yes it does 'byte'". Aha, HA haHahahaha. A rather astute observation Eric, you VDed donkeyfucker's mother's manwhore.

(Though in his defense, he is still funnier than Carrot Top, though broccli is also funnier than Carrot Top. Ha, get it? Vegetable humor.)

Off To Work!: Part 2, or "Tongue of DOOM!"

2005-05-26T00:37:00.000-07:00

That last word is supposed to be "children". My scanner cut it off and I'm to lazy to scan it again. And yes, I misspelled "tongue" the first time I posted this, and since it is written right on the comic in indelible marker, I had to tape a fix over it. That is where that smuggy line came from. Sue me.

Off To Work!

2005-05-25T23:34:00.000-07:00

Naughty Bytes part deux.... second half of the punchline coming soon.

Naughty Bytes v1.0

2005-05-25T23:33:00.000-07:00

This is what happens when I get extremely bored in class. Things like THIS pop into my head. I thought it only fair that I torture you all as well. Many of you might remember my old comic "2nd Gear"... come to think of it, no, many of you won't. Regardless, I call this one "Naughty Bytes", a play on words, though the "comic" if you choose to call it that, has nothing to do with "bytes" of any sort.

Oh for the sweet love of merciful God....

2005-05-13T00:00:00.000-07:00

I just sat through (willingly, I might add, and you can hit me later for that, please, I deserve it) probably the WORST movie I have EVER seen on cable television. Basically it breaks down like this: there are these two guys who just got to college, and they find these super-hot sorority girls who want to seduce them. However, they soon figure out that said sorority girls are alien chicks wishing to be "impregnated" to "save their species", but it basically comes off like the aliens are just psychotic chicks with a squid for a belly button, that enjoy freezing douchebag guys, attempting to get the "incubation temperature" right. This fecalfest was named "Decoys" by the way, so stay far away from it if you happen to see it on the shelf at any movie rental/retail store. No, in fact, don't stay away from it. Rip it from the shelves and burn it, pyre style, right there in the store. You'll be doing humanity a favor.

Now, I'm usually pretty lazy, but when I see something that makes what I'm going to be doing for a living look like cheap crack whorage, I get rather steamed. So I went to check IMDB.com, to find out who made this piece of rat crap film (no, not film, celluloid monstronsity) as to make sure I never watch anything even REMOTELY related to his/her/it's body of "work". I find out it is someone named "Matthew Hastings", creator of such TV hits as "Out of the Blue" and "Higher Ground", and writer on classic shows like "Vampire High". A man with a bold resume to be sure. Now that I know the person responsible for the throbbing headache I now have (from repeated head to wall bashings, because well, it was better than continuing to watch), I scroll down to the user comments to see if I can find a kindred spirit that hates this movie as much as I do. After finding said comments, I sit in utter shock and horror. This person LIKED the movie. Called it a "veritable gem" even! At first I thought, "This person must have been in some horrible car accident in some remote town, and the only entertainment they could get him during the long months of recooperation was 'Decoys'". Because no one without brain damage would find this flick anything but appalling.

This "reviewer", and I use that term in the loosest of senses, prattles on about how the production was "put together very well". Fine, if you call crappy flamethrower effects and stupid rubber costumes with alien "boobs" on them "very well". He/she/stupid then exclaims about the "bang-on laughs", whatever the hell that means. I suppose you'd find it funny, if you were in the seventh grade... and had been kept back... twice. And here's where I hope to enlist the majority of "Decoys" haters. This person thought that the writing was on a Joss Whedon level. Look, I'm not that big of a Buffy fan myself, but comparing this ridiculous excuse for script anywhere NEAR Joss level should be a capital offense punishable by death by jumper cables to the nips. The NIPPLES! Finally, this reviewer (who I just figured out is from Canada, which might mean that this "review" was due to freezing temperatures that have caused their brain to freeze to the inside of their skull) claims that the cast had "great chemistry" with each other. Let me just refute that claim with "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, ARE YOU FUCKING CRAZY?!". Their perfomances were stoic and unbelievable at best, unless you count that part where the main character laughs manically whilst torching she-aliens at a dinner table.

I'm not even going to go into any explination of the soundtrack other than "christmas carols playing while the she-alien, who you aren't supposed to know is a she-alien, kills the main character as the film fades out at the end".

ARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH. WHY?! HOW?! HOW COULD ANYONE EVEN REMOTELY LIKE THIS MOVIE?! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! WHO COULD WRITE THIS CRAP?! WHAT EXEC GREENLIGHTS SOMETHING LIKE THIS?!!!!!!!

... I think I just burst a capillary...

-Danno

I Got Beef With you, Mr. Television, if that's your REAL name...

2005-05-12T01:15:00.000-07:00

DRYYYY SPLIT ENDS!

And if you got that joke, you watch way too much mid-late 90's stand up.

ANYway...

I'm going to do it. I'm going to write about something I've already written about. Commercials these days. I know, I know. I can hear it now. "Buutttttt DAAAAANNNN, you already did that 'dumbass yuppie man-whore' article. You can't doooo aaannnoootttthhheeerrr!" Yes, yes I can. I have spent an inordinate amount of time in my apartment since the end of the semester, due to the lack of any reason to go outside (no classes, etc), and therefore have been subjected to countless hours of television's horrid programming. Given, some of it isn't so bad, but during the middle of the day, Maury and Springer battle for dominance on my Phillips 27 incher (size matters). Well, what could possibly be worse than transexual stripping midgets who love to have sex while hop-scotching? If you said "the commercials, dumbass", it proves two things. One, you read the beginning of this article, and two, you got my intellect pinned down to a fault. I watch these piles of monumentous feces with a cynical and unamused eye. I shall break down my three most annoying (non-local, that Pita Pit commercial still takes the top spot) commercials, and ways in which I think they could be improved to exponentionally increase the hilarity.

1) Avis "Orca" Commercial
- Ok, this is that commercial with the couple sitting on the hood of the car. The woman is going "Orca! Orca! Ohhhh I love orca!" in that irritating high pitched whine of hers. I don't know about the rest of you, but that particular pitch of her voice makes me want to smash my head into the nearest wall to make the horrible noise stop. The fix for this one? Have the guy shoot her in the face in the middle of the second "Orca!" and slowly slide out of frame. Just picture that in your head for a few moments. You know you would laugh. You sick bastard.

2) Fanta Soda Commercial
- I enjoy the soda. I do not enjoy being subjected to "obnoxious happy people". If you know me at all (or read one of my previous posts) you'd know that "obnoxious happy people" piss me off and make me want to hit them. Well, this is just a giant clusterfuck of obnoxious happy people pissing me off and making me want to hit them. Some people are just too peppy for their own damn good, and someone should put them out of their misery. As you may or may not know, at one point in the commercial they go into a song and dance retardedness on a football field with a marching band. I think at that point a squadron of F-18 Hornets should carpet bomb the ever living fuck out of them. It would give the advertisement that explosive "HURRAH!" that would stick in the minds of youth nationwide, making them want to buy Fanta, and then make them seek therapy in five years. Take that FCC! ha HA!

3) Fake Mini Cooper Commercial
- This is just fucking retarded. I don't understand why Mini Cooper would encourage something like this. People buy fake mini's online? Look, if they were stupid enough to get tricked, even AFTER they've seen a picture of said vehicle, they deserve whatever they get. Dumb bastards. I have nothing to add to this one. It just pisses me off.

"Dan", you might say, "you seem awfully violent with your suggestions." "Damn right", I reply "These bastards deserve to get their what fors, in gory and explosive typely ways."

Ok, enough with the commercials. On to bigger fish I have to fry.

CNN

Even this most respected news channel has sunk to new lows. Today I turn on the boob tube (though not enough pr0n on for my tastes), and what do I see but a bunch of White House staffers running their scared silly little heads off, out of the west wing, and, I assume, toward some type of bunkerish type building. You know what they were running from? Two retards, from LANCASTER, who managed to blunder their Cessna single engine, two seater PROP plane, into Washington D.C. restricted airspace. I know I would be shitting my pants if that were me in the White House and a small, primarily constructed out of wood and fiberglass, top speed of no more than 200mph, plane came within ten miles of the capital building. Oh wait, no I wouldn't. And you know why? Because I work for the government, and the government has these things called MISSLES, which make things like small wooden planes become even smaller pieces of kindling really quickly, SURROUNDING the greater D.C. area. These people need to calm the fuck down, seriously. MISSLES!

Finally, why wasn't I informed I could get chemical burns from Black Pepper Jack Doritos?! WTF?! Bastards have stripped my mouth of tastebuds, and I now have those little dangly pieces of dead skin hanging EVERYWHERE in my mouth. Not cool Dorito, not cool.

Trading (Anything) is still lame, and Bill Mahr is my hero.

-Danno

Drunky McDrunksalot

2005-05-06T10:15:00.000-07:00

This is what Ryan found on Nick's forehead after Ryan returned (quite drunk) to discover Nick hugging the dishwasher. We believe it was written by Nick himself, though we can't figure out how he managed to use a pen after last night.

(As far as we can tell, the note says "I am out you mother fuckers. *jibberish*". Even Nick didn't know what to make of the last part.)

The end is NNNNEEEEEAAAAAARRRRRRR

2005-05-04T01:47:00.000-07:00

BWA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Ok, now that i've gotten THAT out of my system, time for another waste of yet another 5 minutes of your life.

The school year here at Penn State is winding down. Many of us are just finishing up finals, completing projects, drinking, and saying that uncomfortable farewell to that "special" person you "hooked up" with twice during "the" semester and that you "promise" to "call" over "break". As with any outgoing class of freshmen, there is a sense of dread permeating East Halls (the dorms where the majority of the freshmen are housed, for those non-psu people). With this dread comes a cryptic message of a semester completed, the "In a Few Weeks..." article (ironically hosted by a personal page here at PSU). I'm SURE if you've spent at least a year in college you've seen this thing. It sobs on about how you'll miss all those friends you've made this year, and how it'll be SOOOO hard re-adjusting to a life dominated by parentals and a severe lack of alcohol. Full of complaints about not being able to go next door and spend hours on end doing nothing, or eating in the local university crapateria. Hey look, the freshmen are Creed! Wah wah wah. First off, going home is not that big of a deal. Get over it, damn kids. Second, if you can't find a way to get alcohol without the authority figures knowing, are you sure you just spent a year in college whilst being under 21? And I'm sure you could go next door and do nothing for hours just as easily at home, though old Mrs. Brumblesnach might not enjoy bedspring beer pong as much as your previous neighbors. And don't bring beads.... *shudders*. AND you people are finally getting back to meals that have more than just one ingredient (chicken), and doesn't include some sort of mystery whipped topping. Home cooked meals are a thing of beauty, unless you cook them yourself at home, in which case they turn out to be you relapsing to get your easy mac fix. Put the powdered cheese sause down man, put it down. Really, freshmen, it's not that bad, quit being Creed, stop it! Sttttoooppp it. They should write one of these things for the seniors actually LEAVING college (and aren't going to go live with their parents until they "find themselves"). It would go something like "Well, we finally did it. We made the four year long journey through the best years of our lives and I... wait, were those the best years of our lives?! Fuck! I hardly remember a damn thing! Wait, what was that? We have to get JOBS? REAL jobs?! Doubly fuck! The real world? What the hell is THAT? I... I thought that was just a scary story our professors told us to get us to study! Who.. who are you? The girl I hooked up with sophomore year? I don't remember... you... you have herpes?! And.. and a KID? She's two now?! I had nothing to do with that! I refuse... prank caller, prank caller! Shit, donkey, cock, fuck, fuckity, fuck fuck fuck!...."

That would be something worth bitching about. ha HA!

As for me, I'm just winding down my junior year (so i got a while before i find out who gave me the herp... just kidding, it was gonorrhea... just kidding.) and while it's been fun and everything, there are a few things i wish to complain about. Because i have a captive audience and I'll bitch if i want to.

My apartment. It has been filled with many a things; four roommates, each plotting the others demise and what their share of the dead's property will be. A bunch of drunk people we know, and even some that we don't. A bird who doesn't pay the rent, and yet somehow has set up a roost on our balconey and CHIRPS at FOUR O'CLOCK IN THE GOD DAMN MORNING. The paper will be coming for you again bird, it will come again. A sort of secret wind tunnel that I believe was put there by the government to test how aerodynamic all the papers on my desk are (conclusion: not so much). An internet connection that sometimes works, ya know, when it feels like it. And finally, the dust bunny that had grown to such proportions that it took three large scary men with caddle prods to shock it, whilst it growled and snarled, into a trashbag. I think it might've even eaten one of the neighbors before being subdued, and that's why they don't talk to us, but nothing's been proven. (Given, this could've been avoided if, say, we had actually cleaned once in a while, but fuck that.)

Anyway, I'm looking foward to yet another year in this place, cause here I can drink myself into a coma at 5:30 in the afternoon and it's considered par for the course.

Finally, Pope Benedict XVI looks frighteningly similar to Emperor Palpatine? The third Star Wars being released just weeks after his election? Coincidence? I think not. Damn Sith taking over the planet.. first Cheney, now the Pope.

I apologize for the lack of funny,

The Danno

PS - Joanna hates boob jokes. Do what you will with that information, I leave it up to you.

Ha ha! Dangly Parts....

2005-04-20T00:29:00.000-07:00

Yes, an amazing thing has happened. I have updated this a DAY after the last update. Please, hold your applause and general acclaim until I finish. Heh hrrr URK! Ahhhh... ok, finished.

Speaking of which, spring has sprung and you know what that means! The jizz trees have returned! Yes folks, around the Penn State campus there are located a number of so called "pear blossom trees", which, in reality, give off an odor that makes me believe god has lovingly splooged his god/man chowder all over the student union building (all whilst laughing maniacally, arm in arm with Gram Spanier, about our annual tuition hikes). Couldn't they have picked a tree that had a more pleasant smell? Something like a turd wrapped in burning hair? It'd be an improvement, that's all I'm sayin.

So spring is here. For a college campus that means frisbees, short skirts, and general drunken shenanigans. However, there are some cons to these pros. One of the most prominent are sororities. "But Dan, that doesn't make any god damn sense!", you say. "Get out of my head!", I shout back while the people in the booth next to me at taco bell get up and move farther away. Warmer weather means t-shirts. Tank tops to be more exact. And exact is what they were. Three sororstitutes dressed EXACTLY the same way, walking EXACTLY the same way, and annoying me EXACTLY enough to get mentioned here. Each had on a white tank top and one of those high cut jeans skirts with the points of their pockets sticking out the bottom (which is god damn retarded in its own right). I couldn't believe my eyes. I didn't know whether to be sad for them, or smack each one in turn and say "Nooooooooooo, BAD sororstitute, no cheap beer for you this weekend!". Alas, they made their escape while i was still stunned by their horriblly annoying conformity.

People, in general, suck. Not everyone. Just most.

There is a local commercial that runs on cable here for a downtown eatery known as The Pita Pit. Now, these pita people, they know how to make a kickin pita. What they DON'T know how to do, is make a commercial that, as a film major, does not make me want to kill myself. First off, they show a guy who's all nasty and greasy, with stains all over his t-shirt, messily eating a slice of pizza with the lines "This is a person who eats a pizza". WRONG fuckers. That's a mentally challenged person who forgot where his mouth was and somehow got a hold of a large extra cheese, then managed to wipe most of it on himself. Then they show this douchebag fonz impersonator, with stupid aviator glasses and a god damned POPPED COLLAR, with the line "This is a person who eats a pita", but all i heard was "This is a dumbass yuppie man-whore". Just when I thought it couldn't get any stupider, the commercial dropped my IQ another 50 points. At the very end, a chick brings a rolled pita to her mouth, in what seemingly could have been a sexy and pita-selling moment. It would've worked too, except.... she looks like she has down syndrome. I'm not saying there's anything WRONG with that, just that.... down syndrome and.... and fellating a pita?...*shudders*. Just wrong wrong wrong wrong on so many levels. They should keep making the pitas, and let the film people come up with the ideas that aren't coma inducing (though knowing the schlock that's coming out of hollywood these days i promise NOTHING).

That's it.

-Danno

This Just In... dumb news sound thing

2005-04-19T02:29:00.000-07:00

I'd like to remind everyone that May 3rd is National No Pants day. Get involved. Get Pantsless. That is all.

Popein' ain't easy...

2005-04-19T01:58:00.000-07:00

At the request of our German bound friend Joanna, i have decided to update this ridiculous excuse for intellectual property. I'd assume you could guess the first thing I'm going to address because of the subject head of this update. Well, he's dead, get over it. I just couldn't come up with anything else to put there.

I'm BORED.

Seriously. I can barely take it anymore. It's the kind of bored where I don't mind watching CURLING on ESPN2. It's the kind of bored where I don't particularly mind that my computer crashed and I have to reformat and reinstall windows cause it'll give me something to do. It's the kind of BORED where I'll go wander around Walmart for an hour just to break the monotony! I need something to do with all my time. I need to find a hobby. Some have already been suggested, oragami, but paper cuts suck. Dominos, but lets face it, dominos sucks (the little plastice tiles, not the pizza). I was debating starting up my online comic again, but photoshop refuses to work on my computer, and in all honesty, it sucked massive donkey balls. I have no drawing skills whatsoever, and i couldn't write a funny punchline to save my damn life. So please, if you have any ideas, let me know. For god's sake, let me know.

Michael Jackson is a freak.

The price of gas is insane, and I blame Bush, cause this is America and I can thrust my ill will upon whomever I wish (specially cause I didn't vote for him).

The people who make fitted baseball caps are fucking STUPID. You'd think that 7 5/8 inches would be a constant wherever you'd find it, right? Inches are inches are inches? Well, no one told those dumb fuckers that. Assholes made me buy a new hat... (Go Tribe! Eat me Karen)

I saw a "5 Reasons Art Modell Isn't to Blame for Moving the Browns to Baltimore" nonsense on ESPN2 or FSN (can't remember) today. He's to blame. He's an asshole that deprived a city of its Dawg Pound. He's a shitty businessman who needs to learn how to read a god damn ledger. Red means bad Art, red means bad! Bastard.

Obnoxiously happy people piss me off and make me want to hit them.

That's all. Later.

-Danno

A Viking Funeral and the "Effing" Cold

2005-01-28T11:01:00.000-08:00

Well folks. It's official. My awesome Motorola T720 cellphone has passed on, way before it's time. Apparently Motorola doesn't make their equipment tough enough to withstand being slammed in a car door. Those fuckers. I won't get into the story, because frankly, it makes me want to cry. I loved that cell phone dearly, and that is why I believe it should be sent to its forefathers in a suitable fashion. So when all this snow melts, im going to make a small paper-ish boat, lay the heroic fallen inside, set it on fire, and float it down Waddle road. Hopefully i won't be arrested.

Since the passing of my T720, i have procured a new cell phone, a V180, which, i have to say, is not as awesome as the T720. I think this has a lot to do with the 720 having a much higher number (higher numbers = more awesome). But it works, and i guess that's all i can ask for. Now, it struck me as only fitting to honor my old phone by naming my new one something special. After a grief filled conversation with Zac, and his reminding me that "Only the Good Die Young", i have decided to name my new phone Billy. But to you it's Mr. Joel. T720, we shall never forget thee!

As you may or may not have noticed, its fucking freezing. When i left my apartment this morning at 7:21AM it was a whole 0 degree Fahrenheit outside. 0 degrees! Now, following my cell phone number logic as seen above (higher numbers = more awesome), we can correctly assume that 0 degrees sucks my frozen testicles. But the worst, the WORST, thing about it being 0 degrees, is that my damn snot freezes. Don't be all "ewww, he said snot", it happens to you too! Yes it does! You walk outside and bam, frozen snot. Not only is it uncomfortable, but after flaring your nostrils to unstick said snot, it refreezes only moments later, becoming progressively more and more annoying/uncomfortable. This state of coldness, i have been informed, is called "effing" cold. Other things that "effing" cold seems to affect are; my car's power steering (becoming not so powered, and more of "Ha ha! There's a snowbank, let's hit it!"), the power to the computers in Ritenour's (PSU's health clinic) lobby, causing massive hysteria on the part of the check-in receptionists, my being able to see through my windshield as i drive down N. Atherton at 45 miles an hour (who says you actually need to see the car in front of you?), squirrels, for god knows what reason, have come out of hibernation to instantly freeze and fall off of tree branches (i saw one, i swear to god), and i'm sure many more things that i can't think of because i'm too damn cold.

Well, that's it for now, enjoy the effing cold everyone. Don't let your snot freeze.

-Danno

The Downfall of Western Civilization OR America Gone Wild!: This Content Not Suitable For Children

2004-11-07T21:36:00.000-08:00

Well... November 2nd has come and gone. You've rocked the vote, voted or died, or expressed mailed your absentee ballot so it got there with 15 minutes to spare. Congratulations, you've taken part in our great democratic process that we like to call re-electing StupidMonkeyHead and his dark helmeted sidekick, Lord Cheney. All i have to say is, America... what in the F**K were you thinking? Really? America, now we've told you to lay off all that booze. And I'm sure your crack habit is inhibiting your judgement some, but COME ON. I just DO NOT understand how anyone with a sixth grade or higher education level could even CONSIDER voting for another four years of this retardedness that has inhabited the White House (though now I understand how Bush won all those southern states...). So let me just, break, it, down for "ya'll". Since Bush came to office those four years ago (amid quite a controversy that ya know, he didn't "actually" win, but in this great country, that doesn't "actually" matter) we've witnessed the worst attack on American soil since Pearl Harbor, and we've invaded two sovereign nations because of their ties with a man (OSAMA!) whom we have yet to well, catch (and by the way, Mr. StupidMonkeyHead has publicly admitted he "no longer cares" about Osama. Great, thanks Bushie. Let the greatest terrorist mastermind we've ever known, who HATES America, just get away, awesome, great job! *thumbs up! :-D*). He has given tax cuts to those whom need it LEAST, and has driven our National Deficit to close to $7.5 TRILLION! That's even more than Billy Gates can cover, folks. But don't get to down citizens, America is still the place where even YOUR "American Dream" can come true! Oh, but only if that doesnt involve gay marriage, abortion, or ya know, basically anything else that PRAISE Jesus "tells" us not to do. You DO have to give MonkeyHeadStupidDude his props for his unerring ability to make up words. Cause the leader of the free world is supposed to be portrayed as a bumbling idiot. Right? And he WOULD know about the horrors of war, and therefore be a little bit more wary of sending our young men and women into battle because of all those pitched battles he fought against the Texas state police after he was arrested for driving while intoxicated (and fierce battles they were, MonkeyHead facedown behind his car, in a ditch, taking cover from the piercing lights of the state trooper). And the Texas Air National Guard is really a elite front line unit that saw all kinds of action while Bush was "serving" right? Wait, no it wasn't. Hahaha, how silly am I? He claims to ask Jesus for what it is he's supposed to do, and then takes Jesus' advice. Now... if i were a bettin man, and i am, i'd rather put my money on a guy who uses logic and reason to make the most important decisions of the Western world, rather than one who's previous cocaine addiction may be causing him to think he's talkin to Jesus.

Now... I know what you may be thinking. I'm doing a lot of Bush bashing. And it may be a little biased and harsh. So, in all fairness... Bush is a moron.

America has gone fucking INSANE.

That is all.

I'm moving to Canada.

~Danno

Some things I wish to push upon you...

2004-10-07T00:42:00.000-07:00

'Ello 'ello all,

Today marks the first time this year that I have seen the dreaded student menace show its face on campus. Who are they you ask? They are those people that bother you on your way to class, on your way to go eat, on your way to the bathroom when you REALLY, REALLY, have to go and they wish to chat, that bother you.... well, you get the gist. "Damn those college republicans!", you say. "No", I say, "these are politicians of the worst kind, the politicians of GOD." "AHHHHHH!", you scream as you run away. And that's what i almost did today. You see, i was on my way to see my faculty advisor (quite a nice lady actually) this morning at the "Dan Should Not Be Conscious Now" time of the day (10:30am) and right as i walk behind the library, THERE THEY SIT! Stalking me, judging me, trying to give me FREE STUFF. Now... I'm usually a guy who's all for free stuff, especially if that free stuff has the words "beer", "boobs", or "money" in it, or even better, if its free boobeer money, wow. But these fellas, they made me nervous. I've seen their kind before, and i know what they're peddling, and im not falling for it... again. You see, they give you this little green book, which they CLAIM is the bible, but in reality is actually the beginning of a magazine-like subscription scam. They want you to READ this "bible" and then when you finish it, they'll just happen to show up again, with new book this time, maybe called "King Stupidhead's Version" or some such nonsense. So you take that book, read it and BAM!, there they are again. But now they want you to come to this place, where they meet once a week, and read this book TOGETHER. Creepy. Not only do they want to get you into a lowly lit room, but they want you to pay "dues" to get their group new books, or something. They want your MONEY, not to mention your ETERNAL SOUL! Stay far, far away!

Speaking of which, I had a great idea tonight, only to crush it a few minutes later. What was it you ask? "Dr. Evila and her Sexual Torture Powers of Darkness". That's right. Porn. A movie where a stunningly evil super-vixen uses her super-sexual powers to super-torture trapped victims and make them talk (and...well... do OTHER super things, heh...). I was so impressed with this idea that i shared it with zac. But then as soon i began typing it i smacked myself in the forehead. Why did i do this? Because i had a realization. I've already seen something like that, like.....fourteen times. Im not counting, really. I am NOT cataloguing my porn! I.... screw it.

As many of you might know I have been playing a not so healthy amount of internet poker these days. I have to say, im gettin pretty damn good. But, my being a poker GOD isn't the point of this part of my post. No. The point here is why people decide to use such RETARDED avatar pics when playing poker. (For those of you who don't know what an avatar is, basically its a picture/icon/image that represents "you" in a particular setting.) I mean, i swear to god, i've never seen so many pictures of fuzzy kittens in such a short period of time. This one kid actually had a picture of a RETARDED kid as his retarded avatar. It's just getting ridiculous. And then there's those people that put pictures of their KIDS up as their avatars. Buddy, I probably dont want to see YOUR ugly mug, and i SURE as hell don't want to see your ugly kid's mug either. Keep those pictures locked up and under a few feet of dirt where they belong. And finally, there are those people that use headshots of themselves as their avatar, and then JOKE about how they have a "good poker face". .... People like that make me wish there was a "Terminate" button on my keyboard and that i could use it to eradicate that kind of stupidity from the face of the planet. But to the player that put up that hot chick in a bikini as their avatar, kudos chica/dude, whoever you are, the male internet community thanks you.

Finally, i have some beef with you people. I got 0% participation Sept 24th's "Girls Without Pants" Day. WTF people, WTF. No pictures, no girls running into my apartment and dropping trou, NOTHIN. You people best shape up for the next holiday. Oct 14th is "Girls Flash Dan" Day. You have one week. Get on it.

Well, again you just wasted a good five minutes reading this... suckers.

Till I see your boobs,
Danno

WTF fall?

2004-09-20T03:40:00.000-07:00

Well, for those of you not dwelling in good old happy valley, let me update you on the weather here. Thursday - rain. Friday - rain. Saturday - bright and freakin sunny, gots me a good sunglasses tan from the game. Sunday - cold as BALLS. That's right folks, fall has finally hit. Bout friggin time. Now, i'm a guy who can't say he likes a whole lot of things, but fall, i LIKE fall. I'm not sure why, exactly. Probably something to do with my birthday being in fall, and birthday equals money, and who doesn't like money? But seriously though, fall rocks. I can actually go outside without the niagra falls of sweat running down the crack of my ass, i mean, that's a plus for everyone, right? Well, here's to the leaves changing color, apple cider, pumpkins, and corn mazes (ever do one of those drunk? holy CRAP.)... and whatever else you deem worthy to add to my list.

Anywho, not much else goin on here. Bored as usual. Talk like a pirate day went off without a hitch, much "yarring" and "avasting", so good job folks. Next holiday? Sept 24th is Girls Without Pants Day, and i expect all of you will do your best. I also expect pictures.

Some thoughts:

Where's the guy who invented sudafed? I need to buy that guy a drink.

Is not wearing clean socks for a week wrong?

How many freshmen can i run over with my car when they stand in the middle of the god damn road, before anyone notices?

Did you know Gerald Ford's name spelled backwards is Drof Dlareg?

Can Walmart associates GET any dumber, and if so, how dumb?

Follow up question, can Walmart associates GET any? And if so, how drunk does the other person have to be?

Yet another follow up, if I was a Walmart associate, would I get any? And if so, how much?

.... I think that's enough for you guys to ponder over for a while...

That is all.

El Danno

For Your Consideration...

2004-09-15T00:19:00.000-07:00

Well, it's been a long while since i've last updated this mother of all crappy blogs. Not really much to say other than i'm back in happy valley, and doin the same ole', same ole'. It's been better, it's been worse... usually better, but that's the way things go i suppose. Just been kinda feelin blah these last few weeks... nothing exciting goin on, nothin to tell about my dating practices, because, well, there hasn't been any. I don't get how hags manages to snag a nice chica, and i still can't... even with 22,000 of them here (no offense hags, you da man).

Oh, and speaking of which, ladies, guy friends dont really need to hear about the guys you'd just love to bang/get with/suck their faces off, etc etc. Its a general rule for guys, if chicks are talkin about gettin with anyone, it best be them, cause nothin kills a guys self esteem like a girl sayin "Hey buddy (meaning the guy friend she's talkin to), there's this hott dude i REALLY want to bang!" and its not them. ouch. But hey, im just sayin, thats all fine and good that ya wanna bang some "hott" guy, but we don't need to hear about it. Thanks.

On another note, the Penn State Rifle Club gave me a gun yesterday without any kind of formal training, and let me shoot it. Let me repeat myself so it'll sink in. They HANDED ME A GUN, AND LET ME HAVE AT IT. How much ass does THAT kick? Problem was, i'm a horrible shot, but oh well, THEY GAVE ME A GUN! W00t! Next thing you know i'll be setting up the white building gym to look like 2fort and taking up my usual sniper position. Just kidding.

Well... not much else to say, take it easy everyone.

Oh, and if you're and girl, and you want to bang/get with/suck face with me, please, let me hear about it.

Until next time boys and girls,

The Danno

The REAL education...

2004-04-14T11:13:00.000-07:00

Welcome back folks, i'm actually updating only a few days after my last post (which was given 5 out of 5 stars by 9 out of 10 Dan's who wrote it!) *gasp!*, but i am, so.......here it is. Laugh at my bad joke....a-hole.

I was recently talking to a friend of mine who is still in high school. Said friend was informing me of the horrors of what our enlightened high school teachers called a "Research Paper" but we students liked to refer to as "Stick Red Hot Shards of Ebola Covered Glass Onto Our Eyes Paper". This got me thinking to when i was forced to subject myself to the horrors of the numerous notecard papercuts and the hours spent pouring over books with titles like "You'll Want to Gouge Your Own Eyeballs Out Before Are Able To Find The Information You Are Looking For Reference Book That You Aren't Allowed To Check Out Because The Librarians Are The Evil Lackeys Of Satan Himself" (obviously these books were printed in REALLY REALLY tiny type, due to the lengthly-ness of relatively simple sentances [see title]).

So what, EXACTLY, was the reason the teachers decided this was a good idea? Because. and i quote "You, will need this, in college."

Weeeellllllllll, to those teachers, you can eat my big ole, white, sophomore, never once have used that method EVER to write a paper in college, college ass. Write out a bazillion fuckin notecards with little factoids on them?! Do you think i have that kind of TIME in college? I mean i gotta squeeze these papers inbetween my video games, sleeping, not going to class, sleeping, wasting time online, AIMing people, watching TV, watching movies, sleeping, video games, and my other school work. Writing out 50 primary source cards is fucking RIDICULOUS! Let's try Google searching said subject and writing down the first five (cause thats usually the number of sources you'll EVER need) sources and their websites. BAM, done. Then just write down whatever comes to mind that is even SOMEWHAT related to the subject. And there you go, fini.

What they REALLY should be teaching you in high school are the FUNDAMENTALS of College. Subjects that really WILL help you in college. These include Beer Bonging 101, Skipping Class and Still Getting A's on the Tests 122, Sleeping All Day 020, Avoiding Cops 304, Acting Sober When You're REALLY REALLY Wasted 457 (an advanced course that SOME people have a hard time with, god damn people), Doing Laundry and Keeping All Your Clothes The Least Fucked Up As Possible 103, Remembering The Fake Information You Put On Those Credit Card Offers So You Can Rattle It Off When They Quiz You About It So You Can Get a Free "Absolutwhatever" T-shirt 345, Drunk Dialing 201, and Making Easy Mac and Not Fucking It Up 100 (you DO need this class, it's required, because you WILL fuck up easy mac, yes, yes you will, fuck you).

I mean, what do you learn in high school that they tell you "you'll need this in college" do you actually USE in college? How to add? Vo-cab-u-lary? How to gouge your own eyes out? I don't fuckin think so. So fuck ya'll for wasting my precious time which COULD have been used preparing me for college life. Damn you, you cirriculium nazis.

the evils of servers and the fucktards who run them

2004-04-08T01:36:00.000-07:00

Well, its been a long time since this has been changed. But ho HO, isn't this a GRAND night to do it. As some of you may or may not be aware, us PSU students are required to electronically schedule for our next semester's courses on preset days according to how many credits we've earned. Usually most students stay up the night before and wait for midnight to roll around, and therefore it being the next day, schedule their classes to make sure they get the ones they need.

It has been done this way for YEARS.

Now due to this practice, a new tradition has sprung up at PSU. A tradition I like to call "Thousands of students overload elion's server by trying to schedule at the same time and then the server crashes, and students get angry, and mobs form, and we rape, burn and pillage our way over to the head of IT's (aka fucktard's) house, who knew this happens EVERY YEAR and yet does nothing to shore up the server, burn his house, kill his puppy, then behead him, stick said head on a pike in front of Old Main, and dance in a tribal circle around the pike, covered in the blood of the hapless RESCOM personel, chanting 'We are! Penn State!'"

I have been sitting here for TWO HOURS, being repeatidly mocked by the evils of the

"Error Message:

Successful login, but no response from the DCE/Hydra server. The server may be down or the server group name may be incorrect in the INI file."

screen. Well you know what DCE/Hydra server? FUCK YOU. Fuck you, and your connectors, and all those little transistors that you have tucked inside your shitty innards. I HATE you with such a fury i only usually reserve for boy bands, telemarketers and Barbara Streisand, may that talentless hack-queen rot in the lowest depths of HELLFIRE. Not only are you making me QUITE irritated, and forcing me to lose precious time i could use for studying for my comm test that i have tomorrow, but you are MOCKING my future you worthless pile of plastic and fucktardedness! UNFUCK YOURSELF RIGHT NOW! NOW DAMMIT! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

(Also, Eric wished to be mentioned. Consider yourself mentioned... asshat.)

Yuletide bleh.

2003-12-15T21:45:00.000-08:00

Ok, so you know when you're writing some random note to yourself in your little dayplanner, such as "X-mas list: Stinkbombs, lots of stinkbombs" and someone happens to look over your shoulder and proceeds to FLIP OUT? Then as you sit there clearing your ear canal of their spittle, you ask them why exactly they decided it was a good idea to cover your eardrum with their saliva? So they continue to lean over your shoulder and go on to fervently explain that spelling "christmas" as "x-mas" is anti-christian, all while their jesus freak, wooden cross necklace, the size of a normal paperback novel, smacks you repeatedly in the side of the head. Well... isn't this going to make those psychos embarrassed?:

Webster's World Encyclopedia 2002:
The spelling of Christmas as "Xmas" comes from an ancient Greek practice. In the Greek language, the letter "x" - shi - was the initial letter of Xristos, meaning Christ. Early scribes were busy people and parchment was costly. They often shortened words to save time and money, and that is how they came to use just the letter X. "Xmas" was retained even when these practical considerations no longer applied. Not only had it become traditional, but people believed, wrongly, that the "X" represented St Andrew's cross. An even more significant reason, perhaps, was that Jesus Christ's name was regarded as too sacred to be written in full. See Also: Christmas

Yeah, so you can all eat me.

Some people still manage to amaze me...

2003-12-10T01:09:00.000-08:00

Alright, i told you all that I was going to bitch to my hearts content on this thing, and here's the first installment.

- First of all, those people who tell me that sayings like "head over heels" don't make any sense, because, in fact (and get this), your head is ALREADY OVER your heels. You know what.... shut up. Just shut up. Its like they just fucking revealed some sort of dark, hidden secret of the english language and must share it with everyone around them. I realize that my head is already over my heels, thanks buddy, now go kill yourself.

- This morning i moseyed into my floor's bathroom to take a shower, and lo and behold what do i find? One of those shower carry-all things sitting on the bench next to the showers. "Ok" you say, "thats not too out of place, no big deal". Oh, did i mention that this one was filled with 5 or 6 (i didnt look at long enough to get an exact count) bars of soap of different kinds, in varying states of decay, and with numerous hairs sticking to them. That's it. No toothbrush, no razor, no floss, just bars of hairy, half used soap. What the fuck. Maybe the hypocondriac yeti who left those there will come get them tonight so i dont have to look at them tomorrow. One can only hope.

- So today my friend and i are sitting in the student union building, enjoying some lunch and working on a group project we have. Things are goin along just fine when i notice that this chick sits down two seats to my left. I'm thinking, ok, whatever, back to work. A minute or two go by and im suddenly hit by the worst smell ive smelled in a very, very long time. My friend and i looked around desperately trying to find the source of this foul odor and i finally realize that its the salad dressing this chick had poured all over her tossed caesar. I'd never realized they've managed to bottle ass-stink, liquify it, and then sell it as a topping for your greens and veggies. I was amazed that this chick didn't vomit right back up into her salad, god knows it would've smelled better. Finally after much face making and gagging on my friend's and my part the girl finshed her salad and disposed of that god awful smell. Whoever you are chick, i wish massive amounts of diarrhea on you for subjecting me to that stench.

That is all, goodnight.